Australian Rules Football (pictured above) is reeling following the leak of a report into the impact of the departure of leading commentator Bruce McAvaney.
The research, conducted in the AFL's secretive (and government subsidised) $400 million laboratory hidden in plain sight in the members section of the Gold Coast Suns home ground, has revealed that Australian Rules Football is 20 percent crappier without McAvaney and his rich descriptions of the mostly pedestrian antics taking place on the field. This is something of a double blow for the AFL, already 30% crappier since Dennis Cometti retired in 2016. Bean counters at AFL headquarters were fearful that, mathematically, it was getting difficult for the AFL to get any worse. Those concerns were allayed somewhat with the announcement of James Brayshaw as the replacement for McAvaney.
Surveys conducted during the research revealed that almost 3 in 10 participants threw up a little bit in their mouths when told of the commentary team reshuffle. One participant pulled himself together long enough to explain that replacing McAvaney with Brayshaw was like replacing a nice glass of shiraz with the contents of a pub urinal after a busy Friday night. Said participant then excused himself while he threw up a little bit more.
The Seven Network and free-to-air broadcaster for the AFL were keen to put lipstick on the pig:
"I think we all know this is going to a train wreck," offered a Seven spokesrobot, "but it should still be better than that show with Manu and those two Masterchef boofheads we pinched from Channel Ten."
Take me back to The Lounge.