I'm back! Like some dumb kid with his hand stuck in a vending machine I'm having yet another go at predicting the season ladder. Please don't give up on your team if I've tipped them to miss the eight. From memory I predicted that the 2013 grand finalists would finish 11th and 13th. So in many ways, this is a waste of all of our time. Oh well, you're here now. Read on and enjoy!
1st - Manly Sea Eagles
I've been saying for quite some time the Sea Eagles are starting to look a little old. It stands to reason that they are now even older, and here I am tipping them to finish the season at the top of the tree. How has it come to this I can hear you all ask. Well, Daly Hyphen-Evans might be anointed as the best halfback in the game this season. He's a gun, and my pick for the Dally M medal this year. The Sea Eagles are a settled line-up with strength across the paddock. It's not a prediction many will like to see, but it should make our Prime Minister happy. Give us a smile Tony.
Key additions – (kick and) Cheyse Blair
Key losses - (room for) Brent Kite
Players to watch - Brenton (nickname pending) Lawrence, Daly Cherry-Evans (in the back seat)
2nd - Sydney Roosters
It's been decades (yes, decades) since a team has won back-to-back titles in this competition. Everything about this team tells you they can win this year, but decades of history tell you they won't. In any case, this is the best team (on paper) in the NRL, and they'll go mighty close.
Key additions – nil
Key losses - Luke (mum no hands) O'Donnell
Players to watch - Sonny (side up) Bill Williams, Roger (that) Tuivasa-Sheck
3rd - North Queensland Cowboys
Really? Really? They'll certainly miss Matt Bowen now that Lachlan Coote is injured for what looks like most of the season. Obviously much falls on the beautifully tattooed shoulders of Jonathan Thurston, but he does have one of the best forward packs plying their trade in front of him. Still contenders.
Key additions – Lachlan (ron) Coote
Key losses - Matt (er of fact) Bowen, Ashley (girls name) Graham
Player to watch - Johnathan (hard-earned) Thurston
4th - Penrith Panthers
If you're looking for an outsider to go close this season this is the team to look at. Two experienced halves with points to prove, clever number nines (two of them), an enormous pack of forwards, an interchange bench to salivate over and a smart coach. I've been sucked in by the Panthers too many times over the years, but with an ounce of luck I can see this mob in a grand final.
Key additions – (room for) Brent Kite, Jamal (nickname pending) Idris, Peter Wallace (bishop), Jamie (got a gun) Soward
Key losses - Luke (but don't touch) Walsh, Lachlan (ron) Coote
Players to watch - Matt (the bat) Moylan, Dean (it's pronounced 'ph') Whare, James (home services) Segeyaro
5th - Melbourne Storm
I'm always talking about the big three at the Storm. I could talk about them again, or I could mention that their starting prop forwards (Harris and Bromwich) are rising stars of the game. Watch these mountains move mountains in 2014, and watch the big three win matches on the back of it.
Key additions – (here's to you) Travis Robinson, (billy) Joel Romelo
Key losses - Gareth (nickname pending) Widdup
Players to watch - Tohu (stir-fry) Harris, Jesse (paint a picture) Bromwich
6th - South Sydney Rabbitohs
Seems a fair way down the leaderboard for one of the best teams in the NRL, but that backline looks a little fragile defensively (don't tell GI I said that). If Wigan can trouble them out wide I suspect a few NRL clubs might do the same. Sorry Rusty (and GI).
Key additions – Joel Reddy (steady cook)
Key losses - (and we'll never be) Roy (als) Asotasi, Michael (intensive care) Crocker
Players to watch - Greg Inglis (as a second language), (up and) Adam Reynolds
7th - Newcastle Knights
Hardly a bunch of superstars here, but they are very well coached and they have the look of one of those teams that will always beat the hopeless teams and never beat the really good ones. In a competition where half the sides make the finals, that's good enough for September.
Key additions – Clint (eastwood/isaac) Newton
Key losses - Danny (bonaduce) Buderus, Neville (brothers) Costigan
Players to watch - no-one in particular
8th - New Zealand Warriors
I don't know how many games the Warriors will win this year, but I'm absolutely determined to watch every single one of them. Always entertaining, always enigmatic and often frustrating. Could finish anywhere between 1st and last and no-one would be surprised.
Key additions – Jayson (with a 'Y') Bukuya, (I am) Sam (I am) Tomkins
Key losses - Steve (I wanna say thank you) Rapira, Russell (members of the jury) Packer
Players to watch - Shaun (the sheep) Johnson, Feleti (of foot) Mateo
9th - Brisbane Broncos
If the 2013 Broncos had a chink in their armour (and they did) it was in the playmaking department. Three of their four playmakers from last season are no longer around. The solution, apparently, is to hand the responsibility over to either of your fullbacks and hope like heck they can work it out. I think it's the wrong solution.
Key additions – Ben (dit like) Barba, Martin (place) Kennedy, Todd (s and ends) Lowrie
Key losses - (what's the story morning) Corey Norman, Peter Wallace (bishop), Scott (footballer formerly known as) Prince
Players to watch - Ben (dit like) Barba, Kodi (wan kenobi) Nikorima, Josh (spice) Hoffman
10th - Canterbury Bulldogs
I just read that Frank Pritchard is co-captain this season. I love Frank, but that was enough to raise at least one of my eyebrows. Can't find enough improvement in this squad to get them into the eight.
Key additions – nil
Key losses - Ben (dit like) Barba
Players to watch - Sam (mount) Kasiano, Josh (ua tree) Reynolds
11th - Parramatta Eels
Almost every season I expect the Eels to claim the wooden spoon. This year I've got them, like the speakers for Spinal Tap, all the way up to eleven. How about that, I'm a glass half full kinda guy after all.
Key additions – Will (it's only two more years) Hopoate, (what's the story morning) Corey Norman
Key losses - Reni (members of the jury) Maitua
Player to watch - Jarryd (insane in the plane train) Hayne
12th - Gold Coast Titans
If there's one thing the Titans have over the other Queensland sides its a settled combination in the halves. Add one or two superstar strike weapons in the backline and they'd be knocking at the door.
Key additions – nil
Key losses - Jamal (nickname pending) Idris
Player to watch - Greg (I'm like a) Bird
13th - Canberra Raiders
New coach Ricky Stuart takes the clipboard at his 28th NRL club in just four years. I'm struggling to think of an NRL team that was better off as a result of his involvement. Perhaps you have to get worse before you can get better.
Key additions – Kurt (the) Baptiste
Key losses - Blake (and enter) Ferguson, Joel (emma) Thompson, Sandor (fat tony) Earl
Players to watch - The knees of Terry Campese, Anthony Milford (sound)
14th - St George Illawarra Dragons
I can't believe they're not last.
Key additions – Gareth (nickname pending) Widdup, Sam (Serena) Williams
Key losses - Michael (everybody loves) Weyman, Matt (abdomen) Cooper, Jamie (got a gun) Soward
Player to watch - Josh (#hashtag) Dugan
15th - Wests Tigers
It was hard enough to believe the Dragons weren't last, and now this.
Key additions – Pat (master blaster) Richards,
Key losses - Benji (holler for a) Marshall, (whole) Lote (love) Tuqiri
Player to watch - Luke (who's talking) Brooks
16th - Cronulla Sharks
This isn't based on form or the squad, rather a sneaky suspicion that the ASADA dramarama has more twists in its tail. Watch this space. Actually, watch Twitter. You'll find out there long before you find out here.
Key additions – Blake (burley griffin) Ashford, Eric Grothe (spurt) Jr
Key losses - Jayson (with a 'Y') Bukuya
Players to watch - Michael Lichaa (tiger), Andrew (make it with) Fifita
Comments
Submitted by Guru Craig on
1. Roosters: The Guru recently got the Mrs some chooks, built a coop and all, we’ve got a Fluffy, a Polly and a Molly, lovely girls but no boy yet. SBW I will call him if the lads from Bondi get the double. A champion of champions he will be, a fine young cock that likes an occasional fight, preens regularly and loves the ladies…. it’s up to you Sonny, the pressure’s on, don’t let the girls down, their counting on their Kiwi Cockerel.
2. Souths: Rusty and Co need to win in 2014, the last few years have all built to this. Sammy’s last stand in the red and green, Greg Inglis injury free and with an exciting new halves pairing with or without injuries. The Bunnies impressed everyone last year, if they can get their playmakers right they will be a chance.
3. Cowboys: The Guru attended the first ever NQ Cowboys game in Townsville way back when, a lot has changed since then, but the club had been lacking the obligatory ‘Bling’ of success. 2014 is the year to start, new coach Paul green has had the club shell out for a trophy cabinet even before the season proper with the inaugural nines tournament being won. Paul really has the boys motivated to play and The guru expects big things.
4. Manly: Too good not to be in the top four. Many have some exciting young players coming through this year and they could need them with an aging roster that is increasingly injured/suspended, makes life tough for Tooves. Anyone know if the bookies have odds on a Toovey’s tantrums season special? I’d be looking for 6 or more @ around $1.25
5. Melbourne: This could be the season that Melbourne fall away. Every storm clears and the One from Melbourne has its zazzle thinking about the future. Bellamy is a great coach but talks more about retirement and last contracts more than is healthy, Smith is close to re-signing but he may want to see if there are any changes up north, word is he likes horses just not the one they’ve got right now and Billy is a bit less Billy every year. The other member of the trio, well he’s been out hyped by the young Cherry who’s set to make the Maroon seven his own.
6. Warriors: Matt Elliot has got himself a team this year that can win any game against any team. Any being the first key word in that sentence, because they won’t win them all. NZ suffer from ‘inconsistency’. World beaters one day, beaten by 50 the next. The other interesting word is ‘his’ because The Guru isn’t so sure old Matty E has the whole iron fist thing down pat, I suspect a few of the soldiers march to their own beat at times and that takes us back to the above mentioned ‘I’word.
7. Newcastle: Wayne is the master of the iron, though he figured out the need for velvet long ago too. Hopefully he also has less need for bandages this year because the Knights have had a rough time with injuries, might be time to Packer up the old boys and get’em nice personalized stools at the bar, well-padded ones of course.
8. Bulldogs: Go the Doggies, I love saying that, it just sounds good. Don’t like’em much though but Des is the consummate professional and he will find a way to get his side into the finals. The Guru is full of ideas, Bookies take note another stellar idea, sure to make millions, what odds on Dessie’s deadly cocktails of sports sciencey goodness? Beetroot shots, Cows blood? What can I get for a Gunpowder infused lime eye drops that give the players xray vision for field goals? Im available for guest comps etc et al….the lunacy er..genius isn’t cheap though boys.
9. Sharks: based solely on The Guru’s prediction that ASADA will do NADA. The Sharkies are in for a tough year. Little Pauly Gallon is running out of steam, Todd Carney is injury prone and would be odds on for a lengthy time out during the season, plus there’s a whole lot of Karma coming their way if you believe in that sort of thing. Naughty boys don’t get early Christmas presents.
10. Panthers: The Guru notices with interest the Boss has confidence in the Pennies this season. On paper they look to be improved. Soward has a good kicking game and Wal is a trooper, a man that can be counted on to give the full effort week in week out. Ivan has speed out wide and a man mountain in Idris. But something just isn’t right, it’s like one of those fancy flash restaurant dishes, its sounds right and looks tasty, but…The ‘G’ can’t quite put my finger on it but the nose doesn’t like it.
11. Titans: Head coach Henry will need..hold up..oh never mind it’ll happen soon enough, we all know it. The GCT are a bit of an enigma for The ‘G’ in 2014, not sure what to expect, 11th feels about right.
12. Canberra: Stories and whispers from Canberra fans past , tell of the day a great victor returns to lead the side to glory. A man from the past shall return and all he touches shall turn to Maroon, Hmm..Might have the wrong story here. All the best Rick, Winter is coming.
13. St George: Postion vacant; Head coach.
14. Brisbane, See above. The Guru cant pass on his beloved Bronco’s. To all fans…The ‘G’ feels your pain. It won’t be long, he is coming.
15. Tigers: If you see above, and above that, but only the first bit, not the second, he isn’t going here, he doesn’t have any interest in here, no one does, not for a while anyway. Give em hell Harry and good luck.
16. Paramatta: Have some decent young players in fantasy football, Pauli Pauli, Nathan Peats, Cummins. Talking FF, 2014 is the year of the 9. Play three number nines is the tip.
Submitted by The Thinker on
Fantastic stuff Guru. Welcome back champ.
Submitted by Steel Panther on
I am echoing your comments about Manly Thinker and quite frankly I'm scratching my head. Last year they were too old to even make your 8 and this season they practically have the same (another year older) team and your tipping them to finish at the top. Confused? You bet. I'm liking Guru Craig's comments a lot more. It's hard to look past the Chooks to defy history and go back to back but we all know that on paper counts for nothing in the rollercoaster that we call the NRL. Enjoy the ride and I wish you a great season!!
Submitted by Johnny Ray on
Awesome Awesome ! My Predictions For 2014 NRL Season :
1st The Roosters - The boys from Bondi become first team in twenty years to win back to back premierships but that's not before some dubious calls made by the ref's during finals footy has some people suspecting that the game is rigged ! Even Joey Johns has his doubts.
2nd The Cowboys - Unlike last two years they go all way through finals footy without bad call being made against them and then one wrong call in Final against Roosters cost their club their first maiden premiership !
3rd The Storm - Another good season from Storm. If it wasn't for injuries their main players sustained during Origin Season who knows how much further they could of gone ! Melbourne Storm are good things for future.
4th The Broncos - Defy all people exceptions and manage a massive turn around within club, with deep run into finals footy thanks home ground advantage that helps them to see off both The Bunnies and The Knights.
5th The Rabbitohs - The top four team all year and year long premiership contenders, it's the mental pressure that lets them down again in finals !
6th The Sea Eagles - Another solid season from boys from Brookvale. That and man I love hate Manly Sea Eagles ! I know that has nothing to do with what I'm writing I just want people to know how much I really hate them ! I hate Manly Sea Eagles. I detest them ! I do ! I personally despise them ...
7th The Raiders - Ricky Stuart defeats odds and makes this club a success story of a year in NRL even beating some of NRL top opponents including Cowboys in their first game of the season up there in Townsville, Nth Qld.
8th The Sharks - Makes into top eight in spite of losing some of their star players to ASADA Investigation ! Due to restrictions placed on them by ASADA they are not allowed to play finals footy it then allows the team below them on ladder to make run into finals footy at the end of the year.
9th The Knights - A fall from grace for Wayne Bennent's team as injuries and suspensions plague his team from first game. It's only because of the ASADA investigation into Sharks do they even manage make Finals Footy.
10th The Panthers - Slow start to the year cost them in their race to Finals Footy. Still good things all round from boys at foot of The Blue Mountains.
11th The Bulldogs - With loss of Ben Barba and with no proper fullback replacement, The Doggies struggle all year to find points on and off field.
12th The Warriors - Another season of what if's as 'Penrose Pretenders' aren't able to close out their close games, costing them alot crucial season points.That star recruit Sam Tompkins proves be crushing disappointment
13th The Titans - Apart from Dave Taylor who scored over half of their club points this year, the lack of quality players proves to be problem for boys from Gold Coast. The coach John Cartwright quits before he's forced to resign.
14th The West Tigers - Certain difficulties from club management causes another bad year for Tigers. The Eastern Suburb Magpies are threatening break away joint venture and move Adelaide if their demands are not met
15th The Dragons - Another bad year for Dragons and firing their coach Steve Price, third of way into season surely didn't help their cause either.
16th The Eels - This year not only do we get see back to back premierships for first time since forever ago with Roosters we also get see a Three-peat for Wooden Spoon from Eels for first time ever ! Things are only going get worse before they get better for Paramatta !
Go Warriors For 2014 ! Kiwi Power ! Peow Peow ! ;-D
Submitted by a on
Here are my predictions
1 Broncos They have brought well I think they will be in for 1 good year
2 Roosters I think they have a very strong side like last year they brought well I think they will be exilent.
3 Panthers The Mountain Man are here in the top eight again they will push everybody all the way
4 Rabbitohs They will sum up the top 4 here they are a good side and they will win a lot of games here
5 Storm The big 3 will be set for another year here
6 Eels After 2 years of wooden spoon Eels will finally be in the finals here
7 Cowboys Not sure how they will go here I saying 7th with hope
8 Warriors I think we will see New Zealand back in the top eight here
9 Dragons Much improve Dragons from last year will just fall short
10 Knights Wayne Bennett will fall short just for the 2nd time
11 Sharks the drug thing will have a big affect here
12 Bulldogs Bulldogs will be crap here
13 Tigers They will improve 2 spots from lat year
14 Titans Sorry Gold Coast you have no chance here
15 Sea Eagles Can't believe the thinker thinks they will be 1st here I think they have a crap team
16 Raiders Wooden Spooners this year Ricky Surant is sh*t they have a crap team worst team ever
Submitted by newbie from perth on
Woo-Hoo! We're back again for another year.
Thank you Thinker for your crystal ball gazing. Don't mind you put my beloved Chooks 2nd. I'm still stoked they smashed it in last year's GF. Might watch the dvd again to get me enthused for the coming season opener on Thursday night.
You've leapt straight into the season with much aplomb, the "nicknames" you gave out for various players had me guffawing every time. Priceless! Can't wait for your decisions on Messrs Widdup, Lawrence and Idris. I'm sure you'll make them good ones.
Can I jump in here and give my round 1 tips? Cheers...
Chooks - Doggies - Knights - Manly - Cowboys - Dragons - Warriors - Sharks.
Thanks again Mr T and best of luck to everyone in their tipping this year!
Submitted by The Believer on
Oh Thinker you got one team in the wrong place..
The scripture says. The last shall be First.
SHARKS
COWBOYS
ROOSTERS
WARRIORS.
Thats the top 4
Let us pray
Submitted by The Thinker on
The Believer,
I like it. You've gotta have faith.
Great to see so many regular names returning.
And thanks Newbie...I was pretty proud of Blake (and enter) Ferguson.
Life and circumstances permitting, I plan to have my round one tips published sometime on Wednesday this week. Football hooray!!!
Submitted by christine forb10 on
Hi thinker can you tell me when you will be posting your tips for round 1 cause i do rely on your wonderful insight greatly & it is now 3.00pm & still not up as yet.
Submitted by The Thinker on
Hi Christine,
Round one will be published this evening. Apologies for the delay.